Come back together after a disagreement with these simple activities by Dr. Cheryl Fraser that help you and your partner reconnect.
The Do-Over
When you mess up, do it over, and do it better. Sometimes I call this a “Love Mulligan.” I’m not a golfer, but apparently, when you make a lousy shot, you can ask for a mulligan. That’s where you erase the mistake and get an opportunity and take your shot again. Well, this works well in love, too. I use this tool a lot myself. When I’m impatient I sometimes speak to my beloved in an unpleasant, mean tone of voice. I try to catch it immediately and do it over. I select my words carefully and say my piece again with a calm, kind tone. And boom, the mistake and the disconnect are erased.
You might be surprised how powerful this can be and how creative you can get with your own do-over techniques. One couple in my program shakes hands and re-introduce themselves: “Hi, I’m Julio, nice to meet you” and they smile. The slate is clean, and they begin again. Watch the video for some more do-over examples.
Fewer Words, More Touch
When we struggle to find the right words, we often forget that words aren’t everything. Silence and loving touch can speak volumes. Don’t over-rely on words. When you long to feel close, to come back together, try a deep, connected hug and breathe in and out together. Hold hands. Look into each other’s eyes. This can activate the parasympathetic nervous system and help you calm down, feel safe, and re-establish closeness. Without saying a thing.
Shake your booty
One of the best ways to quickly change your mood is to change your physical body. That’s why, when my husband or I have a tiff or one of us is in a bad mood we try to challenge each other to “shake your ass.” Yes, you heard me correctly. We learned this particular technique from a speaker at a big event I taught at. And boy, does it work. Try it right now! Stand up and, well, shake your booty. Then quickly check in with your heart, your mind, and your emotions. Notice how you feel. Couples report they feel light-hearted, playful, and able to laugh at themselves—all of which are fantastic antidotes to irritation, sadness, or disconnect. So shake your ass for a quick path back to closeness.
So after the fight? Reach into your toolbox and reconnect after disconnect. Because it’s never too late to begin again right now at this moment.
Read the full article on The Gottman Institute’s blog.
Learn more about Dr. Cheryl’s Become Passion program.
Listen to more insights by Dr. Cheryl on her podcast.