Discover helpful tips to be a more present co-parent while managing the stress of balancing life’s demands in this excerpt from the Greater Good Science Center’s article.
For families facing hardship, approaches to understand and provide services for them often come from a deficit perspective, focusing on what’s missing, what’s not right. But Family Paths’ approach to co-parenting comes from a place of strength. “It focuses on the processes that facilitate positive interactions between co-parents,” says Velma McBride Murry, professor of health policy at Vanderbilt University and the scientific advisor to Family Paths’ Fatherhood & Co-parenting program.
Until these parents have access to higher-paying jobs, affordable housing, and other additional resources that are key to alleviating the stress of co-parenting, cultivating resilience can help moms and dads co-parent better, regardless of the circumstances. To help do that, the program’s participants learn many of the skills and practices below, which can also enhance the parenting experience for dads in all kinds of families.
Practice empathy
A particularly powerful exercise that the dads tackle in the program is putting themselves in the mom’s shoes. Each takes turns being the mom, while the other dads say what they might often say to her. It’s an exercise that helps them empathize with their parenting partner and communicate in a more mindful way (such as listening actively and expressing how they’re feeling, rather than blaming). By practicing empathy, says Cuba, you can de-escalate your level of rage and develop a better relationship. “At the end of the day, even if you disagree on things, you are both there because you want the best for your kid.”
Press pause
It’s easy to tune out or get angry when disagreements arise, but dads in the Family Paths program learn to give themselves time to think things through. They learn to say, “I need to pause right now. We need to discuss this. Give me 15 minutes and then let’s circle back and meet,” explains Rositas—and then they commit to that. Once the dads are able to do that, they start to discover they feel less stressed out. “They realize that it’s not only about taking care of yourself so you can take care of your kids, but also about taking care of the relationship you develop so your kid is OK,” she says.
Ask yourself what you miss from being a kid
Or what are the things you would have liked to have received from your father? By asking these questions, says Cuba, the group is able to think through their own childhood experiences, put those into the context of their current situation, and figure out the specific things they can do to improve matters for their child. “They say things like ‘My father was a good guy, but he wasn’t there when I needed him.’ Or ‘I couldn’t talk to him when I had a problem.’ These conversations allow those a-ha moments to happen,” says Cuba.
Focus on creating memories
Understandably, just being present with your child might feel awkward if you haven’t spent much time with kids in the past and are unsure what to do with them. Research by Coleman has found that closeness and affinity is often built on activities that interest the child, not necessarily the father. “So, if your child wants to play catch, do it, even if you’re bad at playing catch,” she says. Helpfully, she points out, many things that kids actually want to do with their dad don’t require spending a cent.
Keep a gratitude journal
Rositas believes that being thankful for what you have is fundamental to good co-parenting, and that dads can be grateful to the mother of their child, no matter how the two get along as a couple. “You’re grateful for her because of the child you created together,” she explains. At first she wasn’t sure if the dads were too “macho” to keep a journal, but, with the positive influence of the facilitators (cool dads themselves), they turned out to be completely on board. Ultimately, they’d come to realize that taking a positive perspective just feels better and it’s better for their child, too. “You have to be the change you want to see,” Rositas says.
Explore more resources for fathers through Family Paths’ fatherhood program.
For more insightful articles and resources like this, check out the Greater Good Science Center.