Learn to recognize and release the pressures of the “shoulds” in your life to parent from a more present and compassionate place, through this practice from Dr. Rick Hanson. Below is a brief summary of the exercise discussed in the post. For the full details, be sure to check out the original post.
As you try the suggestions below, remember you can still stand up for yourself and others while staying true to your values — this isn’t about harming anyone or losing your voice.
- Think of a situation or relationship that’s troubling you, and identify a key “should” in your reaction, such as “This must happen,” “They can’t treat me this way,” or “I couldn’t stand _____.” Recognize that these “shoulds” reflect your expectations about reality as it is.
- Reflect on your “should” by asking yourself, “Is it really true?” Often, we find that life doesn’t conform to these rigid expectations—good things we demand may not happen, and bad things we dread often do. This isn’t about excusing others or giving up on change but about accepting reality as it is, free from the constraints of our imposed rules.
- Consider a deeper “should” tied to an experience you think you must have or avoid, like “I can’t stand being alone” or “I must feel successful,” and ask again, “Is it really true?” You may realize that even the worst outcomes are bearable and that resilience, love, and better experiences will follow. We’re often stronger and more resourceful than we give ourselves credit for.
- Now, look at the situation from the perspective of others. Do your “shoulds” apply to them, and what “shoulds” might they think you’re violating? It’s a humbling shift.
Letting go of “shoulds” can feel vulnerable, as they often shield us from facing life’s inevitable pain and loss. Yet, embracing life as it is reduces the struggle caused by rigid expectations and allows you to flow more freely and fully with its beauty.