Get on the same team using these techniques by The Gottman Institute that foster mutual understanding and compromise.
Step 1
Take some time to answer these questions posed here about each of the five “core concerns.”
- What kinds of situations made you feel appreciated? Which ones did not?
- When did you feel close to your partner? When did you feel at odds or at aRead distance?
- When did you feel that you had the freedom to make your own decisions? When did you feel deprived of autonomy?
- What feelings do you have about your relative status to your partner? Which events come to mind when you formulate an answer to this question?
- How do you feel about your role as a spouse or partner? What does this role mean to you in your life? How would you like to change this role?
Make your answers simple and don’t be afraid to write them down on paper. Keep them to a few words. If you like, you can ask your partner to join you in this exercise. If you decide to complete this activity together, be sure to keep your own list and to work through the activity independently.
Step 2
Prioritize your main concerns, and choose the one that is most important for each of you. Again, this is to be done independently.
Don’t try to find fault in all five areas, because all problems cannot be addressed at once, especially those that are this significant and complex. You may not have any issues in some areas, but bringing up more than one at a time can create a risk of getting distracted and overwhelmed. When you decided which concern you want to focus on right now, think about what it would take for you to feel that this core need was being met. Make a list of ideas. Can you set a realistic goal for improvement in this area?
Before you communicate about this with your partner, make sure that you get to step 3.
Step 3
Focus on the times your partner met your needs in this area. Here are some examples:
- Appreciation: “I felt appreciated when you noticed my extra effort in planning our weekend.”
- Affiliation: “It felt great when we came up with a joint plan for our finances. I was really glad I didn’t have to handle that alone.”
- Autonomy: “Thanks for supporting me in my physical therapy goals. It made me feel great.”
- Status: “I really appreciated it when you did the dishes every night last week. That was sweet of you.”
- Role: “Thanks for hiring the housecleaner so I can have more time to focus on work.”
When you approach your partner to talk about your area of concern, bring up a time in which it was addressed and made you feel good. Let your partner know how much you appreciated their actions or words, and explain how these actions or words made you feel.
In this way, you can avoid approaching a difficult issue with a negative perspective. If your approach begins with turning towards your partner, communicating genuine appreciation and gratitude for positive behavior, and letting them know that you believe in your joint ability to overcome the problem, you are much more likely to succeed in working together towards finding common ground.
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