Learn practical ways to set healthy boundaries with the excerpt from Good Life Project.
Say them out loud.
Once you’ve got a handle on what your boundaries are, it’s time to do the hard part: saying them out loud. This is important, because it keeps you from feeling resentful, and it keeps other people from accidentally crossing your boundaries.
“With assumptions come silent agreements. That is why I say set your boundaries early and often. If you don’t talk about something at the beginning of a relationship, it’s almost like colluding with the other person’s behavior. When you let things that bother you slide, you are silently agreeing that it’s OK. What we want are clean agreements, meaning, we can communicate effectively to manage each other’s expectations.” (Terri Cole)
What do you say? Really anything that gets the message across. Nedra Glover Tawwab recommends a formula of “This is my boundary, and here’s why it’s important to me,” while Terri Cole’s book, Boundary Boss, has a whole list of sentences to start conversations about boundaries:
“I’d like to make a simple request.”
“I want to bring something to your attention.”
“I want to revisit what happened yesterday.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, I’ll get back to you.”
Recognize your role
This is how you avoid that ugly feeling of guilt that can come up with enforcing a boundary. The truth is, sometimes people are just going to be upset with you. They won’t understand your boundary, and they’ll be unhappy that they’re not getting what you want. How they feel and how they manage those feelings is out of your lane.
“We want to persuade people about our boundaries. We want them to be OK with us saying no, be OK with us being in disagreement, or different. And unfortunately, people won’t always get that. You can say the boundary with a smile. You can dress it up, you can do whatever you want to do. But things that you will say that will unintentionally hurt other people. Sometimes no can be the worst thing that someone can hear … So the biggest challenge that I see is this approval-seeking with our boundaries. ‘If people don’t agree with my boundary. Should I even have the boundary?’ The answer is probably yes. Yes.” (Nedra Glover Tawwab)
This doesn’t mean that you become cold and uncaring, it’s not about doing whatever you want and telling everybody else to take a hike. It’s about recognizing that you have no control over how other people feel, and that their feelings do not determine the OK-ness of you or your boundary.
Decide whether this boundary is something you can be flexible with.
A lot of times people think about boundaries as being absolute, and sometimes they are. If you’re setting boundaries with a narcissist, for example, the big “NO!” boundary might make sense. Similarly, in setting boundaries with a child who’s well being depends on you, you might have a firm boundary: no you may not cross the road during rush hour by yourself. In other situations, like setting boundaries with adult children, or with friends, you might have a little more flexibility. You might be OK with a certain boundary bending in specific situations, or with certain people.
“Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is a lifelong skill, and as we and our relationships evolve, as we mature and get to know ourselves better, our boundaries will become more nuanced. When we commit to expressing our boundaries clearly and fully, we set ourselves and our relationships up for success.” (Terri Cole)
Try to get clear on which boundaries you’re OK bending and which are your hard no’s — this will make it easier to enforce each type, since you won’t be trying to make that determination in the moment. It’ll also help you feel better about your boundaries, since you’ll be enforcing them in ways that are in alignment with your integrity.
Practice, practice, practice
Just like with anything else that touches so many areas of your life, boundaries take practice. Go into this process with a growth mindset, and realize that you’re going to get it wrong sometimes, and that’s OK. Even if you fail to enforce a boundary one time, you can always go back and correct it, or make a different choice the next time.
Read the full article here.
Check out the Good Life Project Podcast for conversations on navigating life with intention.
