Gain insights from this article by First Things First on how to start conversations without blame, express your needs effectively, and build a partnership that shares the parenting load more equally.
The term ādefault parentā has become more popular in the last few years. Essentially, the default parent is responsible for most of their childrenās emotional, physical, and logistical needs. If you and your spouse are parents, one of you is probably the default parent. And if you have to ask who it is, it probably isnāt you. The default parent carries most of the parenting load, which can be exhausting if you are overloaded with responsibilities.
Parenting may never truly be 50/50.
One of you may carry more responsibilities due to circumstances or a preference. Whatās important is that the two of you agree on who will do what regarding parenting. Remember, first and foremost, you two are a team. Parenting takes a lot of time and energy, and it takes both of you working together.
So, fellow default parent, letās have a quick chat. Youāre probably exhausted and stressed out (to be honest, most parents are to some extent). You may feel unheard or neglected. You may be on the verge of burnout. And you may even be resentful toward your spouse. All of this can hurt your relationship. I donāt want your relationship to suffer.
Itās time to talk to your spouse about being the default parent. Here are a few tips to get you started:
Be aware.
Awareness is the first step toward change. You recognize youāre carrying most parenting responsibilities, but it doesnāt have to be overbearing. Let the following statement sink in: āJust because I can do something doesnāt mean I have to.ā
Remember that communication is key.
Good communication truly is the foundation of many solutions in a relationship. If we donāt talk to each other, how can we expect our relationship to grow and thrive? Schedule a time with your spouse to sit down and discuss what parenting looks like in your marriage.
As you have this conversation, youāll want to keep a few doās and donāts in mind:
DONāT talk about this when youāre frustrated.
DO set aside a time with no distractions.
DONāT accuse or put all the blame on them.
DO express how you feel using āIā statements.
DONāT interrupt when your spouse responds.
DO listen to understand.
DONāT jump to conclusions about how you became the default parent.
DO seek to understand your spouseās viewpoint.
Most importantly, be respectful with your spouse. Remember, marriage is a partnership, and youāre on the same team.
Write it down.
Make a list of everything you do to keep the house and family operating. Ask your spouse to write down everything they do, too. Donāt write it for them. You may think you know what they do and donāt do, but assuming isnāt helpful. After youāve written it down, have a conversation about how best to address the imbalance.
Acknowledge what you both do in parenting and why itās important.
As parents, itās valuable to acknowledge what you both bring to the table. Stress the importance of what you both do. Even if you think your spouse doesnāt do enough when it comes to parenting, show appreciation for what they do for the family.
Reset (or set) expectations for who will do what.
Maybe you became the default parent because of circumstances. Maybe you stayed home with your newborn, then took on all the responsibilities and never stopped. Perhaps you have a more flexible schedule and can absorb more responsibilities. Maybe being the default parent was a conscious choice that you and your spouse discussed. Regardless of how you got here, itās time to reset expectations.
Own the responsibilities you take on, and only those.
Trust that your spouse will take care of what they have agreed to be responsible for. They donāt need to be micromanaged or reminded constantly. Instead, encourage them and let them know you appreciate what they own. If itās their responsibility, itās their responsibility. I know people get frustrated when they ask me to do something and I respond by saying, āLet me check with my wife.ā But she keeps the family calendar. Iām conscious of not committing us to something without checking with her first.
This shouldnāt be a one-and-done conversation, either. Circumstances will change, and every stage of parenting brings on new challenges and responsibilities. Revisit this conversation often to check in with and check on each other. Youāre a team, and your marriage is healthier when you move in the same direction.
Sources
Modern Marriage ā Till Chores do Us Part ā Todayās Parent
Roskam et al. (2022). Gender Equality and Maternal Burnout: A 40-Country Study. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 53(2), 157-178.
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