Learn simple communication skills from The Gottman Institute to stay connected with your partner when the stress and demands of parenting start to pile up.
If you’ve ever had one of those “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days” where everything seems to go wrong, then you know that stress from traffic jams and long checkout lines at the grocery store can leave you feeling infuriated. Especially for new parents, external stressors from outside the relationship can easily stoke the fires of conflict when a new baby is added to the mix. As partners balance the new roles and responsibilities of parenthood, it’s inevitable that a newborn’s needs can disrupt their ability to manage stress, making any form of relief seem far off. Sixty-seven percent of couples experience a precipitous decline in relationship satisfaction in the first three years of the baby’s life. Dr. Gottman’s research on Bringing Baby Home found that in order to cope with these added pressures, couples who engage in a daily stress-reducing conversation are better able to handle external stressors and stay emotionally connected. The purpose of a daily stress-reducing conversation is to buffer the relationship from heavy life demands that occur outside of the relationship. When you can talk openly about your individual concerns, fears, and frustrations without worrying about the possibility of having them spill over into your relationship, you’ve established a healthy way of connecting and communicating with each other. Here is a helpful daily listening technique from the Bringing Baby Home new parents workshop. Take turns being the listener and speaker. This activity can be as short as five minutes a day or as long as 30 minutes a day. The only rule is that you are not allowed to talk about your relationship.
1. Show genuine interest in your partner Stop what you’re doing to listen and pay attention, maintain eye contact, and give approving nods and facial expressions. Do not be distracted by other things. Put your phone away. Stay present and engaged.
2. Communicate understanding Use empathy, provide support, and show compassion. Understanding must precede advice. Take your partner’s side, even if you don’t agree. In this particular moment, your relationship is worth more than expressing your difference of opinion. Example: “That sounds upsetting! I would be just as mad. I can understand why you feel that way.”
3. Offer support When it comes to you and your partner versus the world, you should always take the side of your spouse. Never side with “the enemy.” Example: “I wish I could be there to protect you from your manager’s endless demands.”
4. Create solidarity Reminiscing about the simpler days before becoming parents, laughing through moments of exhaustion, or fretting over a sick baby, you create solidarity by sharing in the highs and lows of parenthood together. Example: “This is our problem.” “We’ve got this.” “I’m here for you.” “We’ll get through it together.”
5. Show similarities Expressing how you can relate to their circumstance says that you’re both speaking the same language, you’re on the same page, and you’re fighting for the same team.
6. Show affection Hold your partner’s hand, rub their shoulders, or offer a comforting hug as they talk about their day.
7. Help your partner to process Ask them if they want your help in finding a solution to the problem. Don’t forget that your only job is to offer support, not to problem solve.
8. Listen first before suggesting solutions Don’t give unsolicited advice. Instead, ask if they are interested in hearing your suggestions. Example: “Can I help you solve this?” “Do you want my advice here?”
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