Read about how learning more about yourself helps you develop a stronger relationship with your kids. Below, you’ll find an excerpt of the article. To read to full article, check out the original post, published in the Emotional Intelligence Magazine.
“The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) offers positive parenting tips for different age groups starting with toddlers. I will reference the age groups and recommendations to explain how lack of self-awareness impacted my ability to connect and effectively communicate with my child.
Toddlers (1-3 years old)
Tip: Respond to wanted behaviors more than punish unwanted behaviors (use only very brief time-outs). Always tell or show your child what they should do instead. (Child Development, n.d.)
Tip: Give your child attention and praise when they follow instructions, show positive behavior, and limit attention for defiant behavior like tantrums. Teach your child acceptable ways to show that they’re upset. (Child Development, n.d.)
When my daughter was a toddler, I was finishing high school and starting my first year in college, in a dysfunctional relationship with her father, stressed, and had very little patience. I was focused on punishing the unwanted behaviors. As a result, I missed many opportunities to teach my daughter why boundaries and certain rules were necessary. Instead, I focused on the worst that could happen and forced her to comply. I had no idea how much this impacted my child’s independence and decision-making
Preschoolers (3-5 years old)
Tip: Be clear and consistent when disciplining your child. Explain and show the behavior that you expect from them. Follow up with what they should be doing, instead of telling them no. (Child Development, n.d.)
Tip: Help your child through the steps to solve problems when upset. (Child Development, n.d.)
The preschool years were the most stressful years for me, and they were critical developmental years for my daughter. I was consumed with school, working, trying to have a social life, and doing my best to take care of us. I never learned practical problem solving, so I struggled in different areas in my life. I lacked the tools for myself, so I could not teach my child. As a result, every little thing turned into a major conflict or crisis. This is what I was teaching her as well.
Middle Childhood (6-11 years old)
Tip: Help your child set their own goals. Encourage them to think about skills and abilities they would like to have and how to them. (Child Development, n.d.)
Tip: Use discipline to guide and protect your child, rather than punishment to make them feel bad about themselves. Follow up any discussion about what not to do with a discussion of what to do instead. (Child Development, n.d.)
In the early years of middle childhood, I was wrapping up my last year in college and focused on attaining my degree and working. I was operating on autopilot and in survival mode. I had no patience for teaching my child how to set goals or develop self-control. I got upset when she didn’t understand her homework. I often felt overwhelmed and did more screaming and punishing than teaching. My daughter rarely had the opportunity to express herself. After I graduated from college, I landed my first corporate job. I still lacked self-awareness, so not much had changed throughout middle childhood. As a result, I missed many occasions to validate my daughter’s feelings and make her feel empowered, valued, and heard. The negative impact of this showed up later in her teenage years.”
Continue reading the full article here.
