Cultivate self-compassion and overcome the urge to compare with this guided visualization and additional tips by Access Psychology. This practice, taken from The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry reminds you that everyone’s life has unseen aspects, fostering a healthier perspective.
The following exercise is what is called a guided visualization. You will be asked to visualize a scenario in your mind’s eye and the idea is to really explore it to try and find out what’s going on in your hidden depths.
Imagine three rooms. The first one is a reception room, then two doors leading off the reception room into the second room and the third room. Think of this three-roomed house as a metaphor for you as a parent. In your mind’s eye, go to the reception room. This is where you receive visitors. Here, you have your public face on.
The second room is where you feel most unsure, and perhaps most angry, regretful, ashamed, frustrated, sad or dissatisfied. This is the room of difficulty and vulnerability when it comes to being a parent. Walk into that room and dare to feel what it feels like in here have a look around and note what you see without judging yourself. As you spend time in this room and feel what it is like to be in here. notice your breathing. If you are holding your breath or breathing shallowly breathe normally again. Take one last look around the room of difficulty and then come back into the reception room again, back into the public space. Notice what it feels like to shut the door on the room of difficulty but know that the difficulty is still there.
Now it’s time to open the door to the third room. This is a room where you feel most positive. In this room everything is going right, you feel a sense of pride in who you are as a parent and you feel the joy you feel with your child or children, and probably more pride than you could show in the reception room. Have a look around the positive room and see what it is that is there. Keep looking and notice what you feel in this room. Good.
Now come back into the reception room. As you stand in the reception room, have a good sense of what is behind both closed doors. Remember: we all have these rooms as well as the public face of parenting where other people can see us with our children. And we all have how we feel about ourselves as parents, things we feel great about and things we are less than great about. What is so important is not to compare our own private room of difficult feelings to other peoples public face of parenting.
Remember: we all need someone accepting to talk to about those two rooms off the reception room. Someone who can hear us when we feel flooded with love and someone who can accept us and the more ambiguous feelings that parenting brings up.
Upon completing the exercise, Access Psychology offers additional strategies to help you break free from the comparison trap:
- Notice when you are comparing to others. Accept that comparing is normal human behavior.
- In that moment, stop and ask yourself, “Am I comparing my private room of difficulty to another’s person’s public face?”.
- Turn away from the comparison and focus your attention on three things you appreciate and are grateful for if your own life, perhaps things from your positive room.
- Take a moment to notice how being appreciative and grateful makes you feel about yourself in general, your life and you as a parent.
- If you do have worries and concerns that keep coming up in your private room of difficulty, consider reaching out for help to an accepting and understanding person.
Visit the original article for the full details and to download a PDF of the guided visualization.
For more insight from Philippa Perry, check out her book, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did).